I created Rheumatological Blues on a night like this where my fibromyalgia pain was keeping me up.

The flare ups are usually linked to my emotional status. Sad, anxious, stressed etc. = flare up. 

I've had flare up after arguments, after uncomfortable conversations, after breakups, after mood shifts, after the dissolving of deep connections and after stressful days at work. My emotional state reflects in my body and it's so painful. 

That's why I distance and disassociate. I'm avoiding the potential physical manifestation pain. And often I don't even realise the true impact of the emotional pain until night falls the painful sensations in my legs pay me an unexpected, unreasonable, unrelenting visit. 

Right now it's 3am and I'm in pain. My pain is keeping me up, and it's been the same pain that's hurt me over and over again since I entered double digits. And after 20 years I still ask how to explain pain? How do I communicate the hurtful sensations that travel up and down my legs at night when I've been emotionally wounded? 

I'm using my acupressure pillow because I don't want to use pain meds. 

A part of me enjoys the pain today. The pain is like a manager that sets up too many one on ones. Overbearing and overly occupying my time. But today I'm sitting with my pain. I'm hardly contending with it. The pain is always a message. The pain asks me questions and answers my questions. 

Why am I hurting? 

Is it the pain of grief? Yes. 

Is it the feeling of uncertainty? Yes. 

Is it fear? Yes. 

Image description: cream curtains lit up from behind in a pitch black room.