Layo: (on the phone) Tobi to Tobiii, big Tobs, first of all Tobis, people's champions, the gyaldem honey mustard, the biggest brother, your favourite cousins favourite cousin. How far? 

Well sir, don't be like that I'm literally walking round the corner as well speak. Haba. Courtesy demands a 15 minute grace period for attendees. I'm coming! And when I get there you will be shaking because you're about to see moves you haven't seen ay the Olympics. Exactly that's why it ain't been seen there. Wait what that huge thing over there? Wow I'm round the corner from you it's gigantic. Oh wait can you see it? Yeah it's it's it's your massive ego. Byeeeeee 

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Tobi: Cmon girl still??

Layo: erm (why is he using the word girl with me, we've been over this) no hello? Hi?

Tobi: sorry sorry not girl but like really still all this on your face. It's could actually be doing you more harm you know. They are pretty unhygienic and bad for the environment. 

Layo:wha- (unhygienic? Lord this is the last thing I need right now, he's ruining my mood)

Tobi: like cmon I just want to hang out with you, I'm not ill, we are skating outdoors look around Layo it's so weird 

Layo: (yup there it is. Image gang rearing it's ugly head. Why does my mask bother other people so much? Especially the people that know I'm at risk, I was hospitalised in 2020, I've barely recovered from brain fog, fatigue and my taste is still fucked up) 

Tobi: ...you need fresh air, you need to live get out of the house, exercise. Are you listening? Like I'm concerned and I say this as your cousin that loves you, you've put on weight your a hermit it's just not the move. 

Layo: Tobi, listen to me carefully I do not tolerate fatphobia and I will leave-

Tobi: wait please I'm sorry. Weight fluctuates I'm sorry, I am really sorry. I should not comment on your appearance like that I know better. But know we are all concerned. 

Layo: (we? Oh my dad was at his the other day definitely bitching about me because I practice COVID safety. He's a diabetic and at risk as well but traumatising me and our family with early death is no big deal. I have to move out of this country) 

Tobi: and your dad was saying about how you switched to a new mouthwash he doesn't like

Layo: (yes the fuck I did CPC mouthwash can reduce viral load and he is at risk!)

Tobi: the house is cold from the purifiers 

Layo: (yes in case he contaminates the air with COVID breath)

Tobi: and you've joined a gang of hypochondriacs, 

Layo: a gang? What gang? What was he talking about? You know he's diabetic he's an at risk person and no prayer is taking that away. I'm trying to keep us safe and-

Tobi: you're overdoing it, I literally had pneumonia the other month and after a few days I was back to the gym. Fluids, rest then exercise and fresh air. You actually need to be exposed to certain things to build your immune system up. I've had some allergy issues and skin rashes and I haven't become a hermit, I've got on with it. Please take this mask off let's talk face to face. 

Layo: I'm not taking this mask off, and I'm not going skating with you anymore. You're so disrespectful ! You are far from an expert. And guess what even the experts hate disabled people as well. You know skin rashes are a potential side effect of long COVID, also pneumonia is a big deal and all the gym in the world will not save you from hair loss and erectile dysfunction. 

Tobi: God Forbid!! Are you cursing me? My preek and hair line are covered by the blood of Jesus. Please let's not take things to that level. Haba small play you cancelled our cousin date? 

Layo: Haba yourself! 

Tobi: wait now, wait. It's that deep? C'mon Lay Lay like play play it's me. 

Layo: bye Tobi you ruined it 

Tobi: but wait

Layo: no

Tobi: I have a question 

Layo: what? 

Tobi: are you going to aunty Sade's funeral?

Layo: you know I am, I love her. Why? (She was only 47)

Tobi: okay cool bring me a black mask, a nice one, matte if you have it. I'm so sensitive to the smell of death lately and it feels like back to back funerals 

Layo: (oh you're sensitive to smells huh? And hmm it's almost like an excess of deaths since COVID huh) black matte got it. Bye Tobi. 

Tobi: cheers well damn I'll go alone I guess 

Layo: yes you will. And DON'T tell my dad! Coconut head. (Hmm what the hell I am I going to do now, I was really looking forward to this. He's even walking slow, unserious guy. Maybe I should?I  always carry spares... Fuck it I need this.) Tobi ! TOBI !!! 

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End