Shout-out to serpentwithfeet his song is a mantra, a prayer a boundary and a guide. I'm going where the love is. I'm not going where I'll simply be tolerated. I won't go where I'll be gossiped about. I won't go where I'll be anxious about sly and backhanded comments. I don't really even want to be where the like is, I want to be where the LOVE is. Where the respect, consideration, compassion, accessibility and care is!
There's love here on this blog, other parts of the internet not so much.
I think this life is unpredictable and overwhelming and confusing and comforting, weird and wacky, wonderous and wanton, mundane and marvelous, mysterious and malevolent.
Life oh. One thing it's not. It's not easy oh.
TW: ableism
I remember how I deselected the mute button on the video call and explained to my friends and family how Dayo had risked my health and lied to me about practicing COVID safety. I explained the danger, the betrayal and the risk he was willing to take at my expense. I was vulnerable about my fear, my ongoing health issues and my concerns.
Then they unmuted, and actually unmasked the ableism they had hidden from me. They rained down derisive remarks, sly comments and thinly veiled insults. They didn't see any betrayal, they saw me overreacting, they didn't see a lying husband, they saw a carer just trying to have fun in these difficult times. They did not see a vulnerable person in me but rather a vindictive brat. Dayo was looking into the camera, smug as shit and I wasn't going to let him get away with it.
That day in 2022 was the end of the life I knew. Everything I once held close to my heart, had been revealed to be a con. I had been duped, defrauded and deceived. Seething with rage I closed my laptop and I began planning on how to destroy the man I once called my husband.
TW: mentions of all types of interpersonal and systemic violence
The minimisation of violence and danger is embedded into the oppression and social hierarchy imposed on us.
The danger of men, the danger of climate change, the danger of COVID, the danger of unchecked power, the danger of organised religion, the danger of binary thinking, the danger of hierarchy, the danger of overconsumption, the danger of white supremacy, the danger of capitalism, the danger of representational politics, the danger of fatphobia, the danger of the nuclear family, the danger of social workers, the danger of AI, the danger of adoption, the danger of educational institutions, the danger of bird flu, the danger of debt, the danger of petroleum, the danger of Beauty, the danger of air pollution. All minimised again and again and again.
The violence that proceeds is seen as inevitable and something people who have been harmed should have sidestepped. There's little expectation of society wide risk mitigation and prevention, the onus is on people who have been harmed to be more "discerning". The tendency to blame the people who have been harmed is second nature for a lot of us. We've been conditioned out of compassion.
TW: mentions of abuse and neglect
I had a really long conversation with a friend of mine today. And we were discussing plans and exchanging ideas. It's literally such a privilege I cherish, to have friends I can create with, friends I can bounce off ideas all while having deep respect and love for each other.
I was neglected and abused in the nuclear family, so my friends and my chosen family mean the world to me.
A space to be honest, conflict resolution without resentment and degradation, shared interests, shared humour, consideration, gentleness, care, respect and radicalisation. These are the things that make friendship so worthwhile to me.
Finding friends is no small feat and I am still finding new people to connect deeply with while practicing COVID safety and largely retreating from indoor socialising.
There's a lot to learn with new connections. With each new person I meet, I meet myself again and again through them and that experience is fascinating.
So Olólùfè Collective have a meeting on Sunday to finalise our migration, we need to talk about social media as well.
I have 11 tiktoks on the O Collective account I need to upload then I'm coming off the app again.
There's a film festival made for us with the film due in August so we need to prioritise that.
My blog has it's domain sorted. I'm thinking about renaming the app but I'm not sure what.
I need cover art for Rheumatological Blues and I'm thinking my medication could be a shout.
There's so many stories about unusual and extreme weather from all corners of the earth.
I'm beyond Scared For The Climate I'm terrified. The way bird flu will impact animal populations/habitats if it isn't controlled, coupled with a very warm planet feels like a recipe for literal climate disaster.
There are changes happening in my life and I don't like them. I hate to be cryptic but safety first.
Also I desperately need to work on my artwork for "Rheumatological Blues" I want to give enough time to pitch my song.
I'm going to visit one of my friends that practises COVID safety this evening so we'll probably do some body doubling. And I'll get a chance to work on my art work.
I feel a bit blah. I changed the timing on my heater and it was cold this morning.
Yesterday I had a dream that I was drinking and driving. I don't drink alcohol anymore so I was panicking and worried. I was in the dream trying to figure out if I was in reality or I was dreaming. I was in a city that felt like a London/New York mash up and that was a signal that I was dreaming. I had memories of mashing up the car and that led me to think I wasn't dreaming. It was a lot, I was so regretful and disappointed in myself because I hate drink driving. I had been persuaded/peer pressured into it and really regretted it.
I have been contending with my actions, the impact of my actions, societal conditioning and pressure to conform so I guess my brain was figuring that out for me.
I looked up Printful yesterday to see what they are about. They seem like a typical company there were no controversies in their wiki yet. I saw they supported queer rights in Latvia.
I don't know. My music is on Spotify and they are stealing from artists by undervaluing the price of a stream. I'm also on YouTube and that's owned by Google. PeerTube is a decentralised video platform I could use. I could look into more decentralised platforms. Even Bandcamp has been union busting, creating is one thing but sharing your creations is a whole other thing.
I hope I get to a place where I can put time and effort moving to decentralised platforms.
I been writing this blog for a minute now. I'm struggling with perfectionism. I think it's that and three other things I am yet to discover. I think I am self-conscious about my contributions to global harm. I want to be considerate about harm. I am learning to balance. My journey is a spiral.