So I'm thinking about releasing Rheumatological Blues and CC/MM as an mini ep then have a virtual venting session. One about work, one about chronic illness and disability. Then a quiet room.
The mini ep names:
Work/Cry Balance
Boring days, achey nights
Tired days, sleepless nights
TW: Covid minimisation/denialism, religious trauma, nuclear family abuse
I looked down to see the text from Yomi, they messaged to say they were outside. I wore my navy blue FFP2 mask and bought a spare black one for them.
It had been a while since I had seen them in person, I was practicing COVID safety and they largely were not. We were no longer the duo we were in our teens, we had been inseparable and the best of friends. We met at 15 and learned we were both interested in knitting, sci-fi books and spicy food. Our hobbies brought us together but our tumultuous home situations made us decide to be a safe space for one another. We both had hyper-religious families and physically abused parents so far away stories of futures without modern day baggage were a perfect escape. We imagined our futures together, we stayed up on the phone, helped each other pass exams, made clothes for each other, one time we cut each other's hair.
When I opened the door I smiled at them and was quickly reminded by my mask they couldn't see it. When I offered Yomi the mask they waved it away. My heart sunk a bit in that moment but I had prepared the living room with open windows and my new air purifier.
As we sat down, Yomi's bare face jarred me, especially as they bragged about all the things they have done and seen lately. Every story felt like a brag, and all the settings sounded unhygienic and unsafe. It felt like my best friend was bragging about doing things without me and putting themselves in danger of acute COVID infection and Long COVID. It didn't make sense to me and I didn't know what to say beyond "oh wow".
I looked down at the mask in my hand, and felt dejected, I hadn't spoken up or even tried to persuade them to wear it and I was listening to them endanger themselves and their community with no push back. I felt like a failure, I felt silly and ridiculous. I was also feeling cold due to the open windows and purifier on full blast. Yomi interrupted my thoughts and asked if I wanted a cuppa, I said yes without thinking but as they got up from the sofa it occurred to me they shouldn't really leave the living room.
I jumped up and stopped them, telling them I'll make it and that I'd prefer if they stayed in the living room for this visit. They looked confused because they were far from an ordinary guest they knew their way around our kitchen. I insisted that I would make it for safety reasons. As soon as the word safety came out my mouth Yomi stepped back as if I was aiming a weapon at them. I felt even worse and remembered that I couldn't even enjoy a cuppa with them as I didn't want to take off my mask.
As I was making tea for Yomi, my sibling Tunrayo came downstairs and popped in to say hi to them. As I was bringing the tea in, I heard of their conversation and it sounded like Yomi had said that someone was bedbound and something else I couldn't make out, but they were running out of anointing oil.
I asked about the anointing oil and Tunrayo interrupted laughing that Yomi was on anointing oil duty because their mum was convinced the mystery illness was an attack from Satan. I asked Yomi if that was true and they confirmed that after the visit they would be meeting with their mum's pastor for more oil.
I put the tea in front of Yomi, and tried to swallow what I had just been told.
Yomi's mum was ill, bedbound and so afflicted she was convinced it was a spiritual attack and they have casually visited me in my house knowing I practice COVID safety and disease mitigation. They didn't see the need to rearrange the visit, or wear a mask coming, or even wear the mask I offered. I was so hot, Yomi's mum could be COVID positive and so could Yomi. The same Yomi that declined a mask, the same Yomi in my living room maskless, the same Yomi ready to breathe potentially COVID breath in my kitchen and the same one that was currently in my living room speaking to my maskless sibling.
Yomi took a sip of tea as I was trying to wrap my head around complete and utter disrespect and disregard as well as all the ways I'd need to handle this potential exposure. My face was still hot with rage, my heart was beating fast and I was racking my brain on how to tell them to get the fuck out my house, get Tunrayo to rinse their nose with saline, figure out how to get more rapid tests and request a molecular test from my mask bloc, I also needed to generate some HOCl and explain to Yomi why this is the worst thing they have done to me.
"Yomi why the fuck would you come here if your mum was ill?? How does that make sense when you know I don't want to get ill???" I was getting angrier and angrier, I knew what I looked like and knew what I sounded like but I was tired and fed the fuck up.
Yomi gave weak excuses, said it never occurred to them and made their way towards the door. I was crying now, I knew that I must have sounded hysterical but it wasn't fair. Yomi moved on without me, left me and other vulnerable people to fend for ourselves and then lacked an iota of decency and disrespected my home with potential exposure. I felt like I had been sabotaged again and again, excluded and pushed out for things beyond my control, punished for being real and practical regarding COVID and it'd now cost me one of the best friendships I ever had.
I went straight to my room and cried myself to sleep.
Shout-out to serpentwithfeet his song is a mantra, a prayer a boundary and a guide. I'm going where the love is. I'm not going where I'll simply be tolerated. I won't go where I'll be gossiped about. I won't go where I'll be anxious about sly and backhanded comments. I don't really even want to be where the like is, I want to be where the LOVE is. Where the respect, consideration, compassion, accessibility and care is!
There's love here on this blog, other parts of the internet not so much.
I think this life is unpredictable and overwhelming and confusing and comforting, weird and wacky, wonderous and wanton, mundane and marvelous, mysterious and malevolent.
Life oh. One thing it's not. It's not easy oh.
TW: ableism
I remember how I deselected the mute button on the video call and explained to my friends and family how Dayo had risked my health and lied to me about practicing COVID safety. I explained the danger, the betrayal and the risk he was willing to take at my expense. I was vulnerable about my fear, my ongoing health issues and my concerns.
Then they unmuted, and actually unmasked the ableism they had hidden from me. They rained down derisive remarks, sly comments and thinly veiled insults. They didn't see any betrayal, they saw me overreacting, they didn't see a lying husband, they saw a carer just trying to have fun in these difficult times. They did not see a vulnerable person in me but rather a vindictive brat. Dayo was looking into the camera, smug as shit and I wasn't going to let him get away with it.
That day in 2022 was the end of the life I knew. Everything I once held close to my heart, had been revealed to be a con. I had been duped, defrauded and deceived. Seething with rage I closed my laptop and I began planning on how to destroy the man I once called my husband.
TW: mentions of all types of interpersonal and systemic violence
The minimisation of violence and danger is embedded into the oppression and social hierarchy imposed on us.
The danger of men, the danger of climate change, the danger of COVID, the danger of unchecked power, the danger of organised religion, the danger of binary thinking, the danger of hierarchy, the danger of overconsumption, the danger of white supremacy, the danger of capitalism, the danger of representational politics, the danger of fatphobia, the danger of the nuclear family, the danger of social workers, the danger of AI, the danger of adoption, the danger of educational institutions, the danger of bird flu, the danger of debt, the danger of petroleum, the danger of Beauty, the danger of air pollution. All minimised again and again and again.
The violence that proceeds is seen as inevitable and something people who have been harmed should have sidestepped. There's little expectation of society wide risk mitigation and prevention, the onus is on people who have been harmed to be more "discerning". The tendency to blame the people who have been harmed is second nature for a lot of us. We've been conditioned out of compassion.
TW: mentions of abuse and neglect
I had a really long conversation with a friend of mine today. And we were discussing plans and exchanging ideas. It's literally such a privilege I cherish, to have friends I can create with, friends I can bounce off ideas all while having deep respect and love for each other.
I was neglected and abused in the nuclear family, so my friends and my chosen family mean the world to me.
A space to be honest, conflict resolution without resentment and degradation, shared interests, shared humour, consideration, gentleness, care, respect and radicalisation. These are the things that make friendship so worthwhile to me.
Finding friends is no small feat and I am still finding new people to connect deeply with while practicing COVID safety and largely retreating from indoor socialising.
There's a lot to learn with new connections. With each new person I meet, I meet myself again and again through them and that experience is fascinating.